Please forgive any language that may be “off.” I’ve pissed people off before because they sensed I was somehow judging them or because I broke basic etiquette. Please allow for my ignorance and hear what I mean.
I’m “Hairy” and I have been with my lover Ryan for seven years. When I broke up with my first husband I had decided to pursue a poly life-style (over the last seven years I’ve realized that poly has MANY definitions!). I wanted something polyfi and decided to look for a male couple. It seemed easier to me.
Enter Ryan and falling in love and what’s a guy to do? Not far into the beginnings of the relationship, I let him know that I wanted more than one spouse. I knew many polyfi triads and quads and that was what I was looking for. He was very inexperienced and took this as a rejection of some kind and balled like a baby. This was not manipulation. This was ignorance and inexperience.
We’ve come a long way, baby, and now he is as eager for the triad as me. Through time he saw that I wasn’t saying he wasn’t “enough.” I’d seen ALL my life that too many people try and FORCE or make one person be their be-all-and-in-all. When that person can’t possibly do that, the marriages or relationships fall apart. Too much pressure is put on one person! I can’t be Ryan’s everything! And he can’t be mine. It doesn’t mean we don’t have a good relationship. But I see that I don’t have to live in an age where you have to be content with what you have and live with the fact that you can’t have it all. I want it all damnit! LOL!
I also know that this “third” won’t be able to be everything that we are “missing” either.
Another thing for me, and it has always been that way, is the love.
Parents love all their children. I loved my dog and my cat. I honestly have three BEST friends and can never figure out if I love one more than the other. Love is an deep ocean without a floor. There isn’t an amount of love. Love knows no bars, it is ever present, always ready to fill any place.
Now here is the problem. Singles think finding a mate is hard? Child’s play! **G** Figuring a way to let a single man know that a couple wants to date him? OMG!
I have a kink or two and with time and experience figured out ways to find other men into the same kink. I’ve taught those same techniques to others. I’m asking for something similar.
Okay, I meet a nice single guy. He finds out I have a spouse and guess what? That’s all he wrote! No chance to even propose the idea of dating a couple. I don’t want to lead him on and let him get interested thinking I’m single. The old bait and switch is not proper or ethical.
Meet a guy in a bar? Same thing as when you are single. They most likely will think of this as a for-the-night-kind-of-thing (to be fair, that is how I met my man seven years ago!). They can think you are single, see you are not and disappear in the crowd (“I’m not into that”), or when they see you are a part of a couple, think you are offering kinky fun (not that there is anything wrong with that, fun is fun! But we would like something more as well).
I don’t even know the basics here. "How do you even bring it up in conversation?"
There is no local poly group in my large city believe it or not. The poly group I know of, which is about an hour away, is mostly for heterosexuals. I tried the polymatchmaker thing with no bites at all (there really aren’t that many members when you consider the size of this country). I’ve tried profiles to no avail.
I know, that like life and like coupling off, some times it just happens. I also know in THIS age there are a lot of happy loving relationships that would never have had a chance to begin were it not for all kinds of new ways to meet people.
How do you let someone know you are a couple looking for a third? Note that I did not say HUNTING for a third. That kind of hunting scares people right off! I went on a date with a guy once who told be before we pulled out of my driveway that he was looking for a husband. I was turned off IMMEDIATELY. He was wanting a husband and you could see he’d squeeze any square peg into a round hole to find him! (and there was no pun intended)
I’m just about finished with The Ethical Slut and I’ve learned quite a bit there and Ryan has read it already. (“Are you sure you are ready for this? They suggest separate boyfriends!” -- “That is one form of poly, Ryan, not the only one.”)
I am not ruling out that something like separate boyfriends could happen. Ideally for us, I can see, at least at this time in our lives, relationship, and development, that a “shared” boyfriend would be best.
I also know that third no more fix little problems in relationships than children solve a married couples marriage.
But we don’t even know how to begin! I mean seriously! Like there is this guy at work I’ve been getting to know. We don’t work in the same department but are frequently running through each other’s departments, giving us moments here and there to talk. I think some sparks have begun. I have not mentioned Ryan (which makes me feel guilty) because I fairly much know (from experience) that the sparks could stop immediately. (“Oh! Hairy is married!”) I know a lot of people who wound up in triads or more-ads who would never have considered such a proposition. It just sorta happened and they are eternally grateful. And I certainly can’t say, “I have a husband, but he and I are looking for a third.” Why that is just like the guy pulling out of my drive-way.
Getting “out there” when you are single and looking for a mate can be a perfect horror. Being a couple and looking for a third? Stephen King couldn’t come up with a scarier concept.
How does one even begin?
HUGS and Namasté,