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Monday, August 15th, 2011


I've created a new website, ALAN'S LIST of POLYAMORY EVENTS:

These are all the major poly cons, festivals, gatherings, etc. coming up in the next 12 months, as far as I know. I think the list is pretty complete, at least for the English-speaking world. There are now 13 events on the list through July 2012 -- with descriptions and sometimes my commentary when I've been to one of these or know people who have.

ALSO: At the bottom of the page are five resource lists of LOCAL POLY GROUPS worldwide, sorted by location -- making it easy to find the local group(s) in your backyard, with their own meetings and happenings.

Instructions for how to suggest new listings are on the page.

I intend to keep the site updated and current forever. (I hope I've got another 30 good years ahead, and before I go I'll try to hand off the job to someone else.)

Please link to this and pass it on.

This project is an outgrowth of my other site, POLYAMORY IN THE NEWS:

... which I've been running for six years now.


Alan M.

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Monday, April 11th, 2011
12:20 am - Poly in the recent news

A parenting magazine presents polyamory as a logical alternative. TV news goes all awkward covering a Loving More convention. Dan Savage as America’s most important sex ethicist. New poly books. More on campus. And, how to frame the emergence of polyamory as the natural outcome of the last several centuries of human development.

What is the world saying about us? If you haven't kept up with Polyamory in the News in the last three months (or subscribed to it by the LJ friends feed or other feed), here is some of what you missed:

Read on...Collapse )

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Thursday, January 27th, 2011
9:28 am - Polyamory in the News roundup

Polyamory advocates break new ground before one of Canada’s highest courts, with media coverage to match. A happy poly household is featured on TV, with toddler. We read that “Three is the new two,” “Poly is the new gay,” and “Is polyamory the new black?” Deborah Anapol weighs upsides and downsides. And a study uncovers a pathetic truth: most young lovers don’t even hear each other’s agreements regarding monogamy.

If you haven't kept up with Polyamory in the News in the last three months (or subscribed to it by the LJ friends feed or other feed), here is some of what you missed:

Read on...Collapse )

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Thursday, May 20th, 2010
10:18 pm - Polyamory in the News: a race to define ourselves

Politicians spend millions to define who they are to the public before their opponents can do it for them. The modern polyamory movement has been defining itself successfully with nothing but volunteers, enthusiasm, and a shoestring. When does the backlash start? I keep waiting for it, and year after year it keeps not happening.

If you haven't kept up with Polyamory in the News in the last three months (or subscribed to it by the LJ friends feed or some other service), here is some of what you missed:

Read more...Collapse )

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Monday, February 8th, 2010
7:37 am - Polyamory in the News

“What happens when polyamory becomes mainstream?” It’s not there yet, but the last three months of poly in the media suggest it’s coming faster than we've expected.

A major newspaper makes waves profiling “Love’s new frontier.” John Stewart’s “The Daily Show” highlights a poly group of three. Many advice columnists increasingly get it. Seven new polyamory books are in the authoring/publishing pipeline. If you haven't kept up with Polyamory in the News in the last three months (or subscribed to it by the LJ friends feed or other syndication service), here's some of what you missed:

Read more...Collapse )

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Friday, November 6th, 2009
7:44 am - Polyamory in the news

Breakthroughs have been happening in public notice and recognition of the polyamory alternative. Newsweek, CNN, ABC’s Nightline, MTV, bigtime evangelical media — if you haven’t kept up with Polyamory in the News in the last four months (or signed up for the nice LJ friends feed or other syndication service), here’s some of what you’ve missed:

Read more...Collapse )

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Friday, May 30th, 2008
5:05 pm - Loving More West, discount ends Sunday June 1

Hi all!

Akien and I will once again be presenting at the Loving More West Coast Polyamory Retreat, July 25-27, 2008. Discounted registration ends Sunday June 1, so if you know you want to join us, register now!

Best wishes,


[Please forward to interested people and/or lists!]

Last chance for discounted registration, June 1, 2008, is fast approaching!

Loving More® (http://www.lovemore.com/), the creator of the longest running polyamory-focused conferences, is pleased to announce the 22nd consecutive year of Loving More Conference Retreats, July 25th, through July 27th, 2008 (http://www.lovemore.com/WestCoast_2008.shtm).

Since 1986 it has been the Loving More® mission to support and educate people about polyamory. This year the Loving More 2008 West Coast Polyamory Conference Retreat will again be hosted at the beautiful Brooktrails Lodge in Willits, California (about 2 hours north of the San Francisco Bay Area). Three years ago we relocated the West Coast conference from our former facility at Harbin in order to better meet our attendees’ needs. This wonderful facility in the California redwoods has been chosen for its privacy and comfortable hotel-style accommodations. Reserved for conference attendees only, lodge facilities include hiking trails, hot tubs and many comfortable, cozy places to sit and connect with others. Meals and hotel-style lodging are included in the price. Read more...Collapse )

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Thursday, May 1st, 2008
8:42 pm - 5/10 Loving More 1 day in New Mexico--Early reg discount extended!

Loving More "Loving Choices"--A Relationship Seminar
Presented by Loving More Non-profit Organization
Saturday May 10, 2008, 8:00am-6:00pm
Santa Fe, New Mexico--Holiday Inn
Early Registration extended to May 5 (for online registration only)!

Loving More, the host of the longest running polyamory conferences, is pleased to announce a new one day Seminar Series "Loving Choices," focused on choosing what is right for you. Loving More brings over 22 years of experience in teaching skills for alternative relating. Who says that love has to follow a specific set of rules that limit how you love others? Why pretend to be someone you're not? Do you feel like you can't be your honest self? Are you already involved in a polyamorous relationship and looking to improve your relationship skills? We invite you to attend a "Loving Choices" seminar to expand your repertoire of ways to enjoy being your authentic self.

Loving More is excited to bring this amazing seminar series for the first time to New Mexico!
Read more...Collapse )

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Monday, March 10th, 2008
12:46 pm - 4th Annual Florida Poly Retreat


I just wanted to remind those of you who may not have thought about it for awhile that the 4th annual Florida Poly Retreat is going to be happening here in just a few weeks (March 27-30, 2008) in Brooksville, Florida.

Please go here to find out more information, and to check out the schedule!  We've very pleased to have Anita Wagner as our Keynote Speaker, and we've got some great workshops lined up for you to learn in, share in, and take part in.

AND we've got 53 attendees (so far) -- small but large enough to certainly get some unique opinions! 

Some come on down to Florida!  It is warmer than where you are now. ;)  (Especially around the evening fire circles!)   Bring your drums, voices, dancing shoes, open hearts and open minds, and share in this gathering of Poly Folk.

2008 Florida Poly Retreat
(our 4th Annual!)


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Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
1:17 pm - FPR 2008


The Florida Poly Retreat (FPR) is a regional level polyamory retreat/conference started in 2003 organized by the polyamory communities of Florida.   This year, FPR will be held on March 27-30. 

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Friday, November 16th, 2007
12:16 pm - Okay, This is Probably Pretty Basic Stuff, But I Gotta Know...

Often people ask me questions about things I know a lot about, and sometimes I have to smile at how very basic and common-sense the questions are. But I help whenever I can. I’ll bet this is the kind of place where I can do the same thing. My story and my question behind this cut...Collapse )

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Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
5:34 pm - Now Casting for Polyamorous Couples!
pilgrimcasting PILGRIM FILMS AND TELEVISION announced today a new documentary pilot that will chronicle the relationships of non-conventional couples.   The casting department is currently seeking people involved in three-way relationships and/or couples that live with or share additional lovers.  Stories will be told from the prospective of each relationship’s participant.  Craig Piligian will produce the series.

Mr. Piligian was the co-executive producer on “Survivor: Borneo,”  “Survivor: The Australian Outback,” and  “Survivor: Africa.”  He is a creator and executive producer of “The Ultimate Fighter”, “The Cut,”  “American Chopper,”  “American Hot Rod,”  “American Casino,” and “Dirty Jobs,” among other productions.

For more information or to apply for the show, please contact:

Becky Cattie                        Casting Producer            818-752-5552 or beckyc@pilgrimfilms.tv

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Thursday, July 5th, 2007
4:34 am - Orlando Weekly poly article out

The Orlando Weekly's article on polyamory finally got published.
I and several other members of the central Florida poly community were interviewed for it.
I got a nice little mention regarding my views on marriage & such, though the author characterized me as a "spokesman" for the community for no apparent reason. I specifically said otherwise, in fact.
joreth and tacit deservedly get more space in the article (and plugs for their websites), and the article is overall very fair & well written.

You can go see the article here: LOVE ME TWO (OR MORE) TIMES: Monogamy not cutting it? Maybe you're a polyamorist

I've been trying to leave a comment on the article, but their login procedure for comments is new & something appears broken, since I registered & can log in but every time I try to comment it says I am leaving the wrong code (the visual anti-spam reference code). Hmm.

x-posted a bit

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, June 18th, 2007
8:22 am - 2008 Florida Poly Retreat Call for Staff

Greetings Poly Folk!

The Staff of the 2008 Florida Poly Retreat is in need of Volunteers to become Staff members for the 4th Annual Poly Retreat, to be held March 21, 22 and 23, 2008 at the UU in the Pines Retreat Center in Brooksville, Florida.

Whatever skills you may have would be more than welcome as we are now in the planning stages of yet another wonderful retreat experience!

We are having a planning meeting the weekend of July 13, 14 and 15, 2007, so let us know if you would like to be involved in making who/what happens at the 2008 Retreat a reality, and we‘ll get you directions to where the Staff Meeting is being held!

Contact myself or mladypain@aol.com for more information, and thank you, so much, in advance!

Another Co-Redhead in Charge
2008 Florida Poly Retreat

current mood: happy

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Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
8:43 pm - anyone want this space

I don't have the inclination to manage or own this.

Anyone want it?

email me at black.jenner@gmail.com

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
11:36 pm - Poly & siblings?

So, I've had a few conversations, especially with joreth and serolynne, about how most pop music (country, too) would just fall apart if polyamory was the norm. Think about it, much of the frission of wanting someone you can't have because they "belong" to another, or of being heartbroken because the one you love had to leave you to choose another would be lost.
So in that light, I was listening to the new Fiction Plane song "Two Sisters" (more on that in this entry) on my way home tonight. The song is literally a guy singing "I'm in love with two sisters" and torn about whose bed to spend the night in, and how its up to the sisters but he knows he has to choose between them and he can't have them both and it's tearing him apart.

That got me thinking.
I've not heard much in the poly community about siblings sharing a mate. I know people with poly SIBLINGS, but two sisters or two brothers (or even a mixed gender pair) who're non-sexual with each other but share a partner...what're folks' opinions on that?
Do you know of any cases of it happening?
How has it worked?

I'm curious :)

X-posting this to a few places.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, February 10th, 2007
9:18 pm - Valentines' Day counterpoint

I am poly. I have one love and one intimate friend. We're stable, we've been doing this for a few years and we know what works.

This year, my primary sweetie and I are celebrating Valentines' Day. Why? We recognize that it's a smarmy, overcommercialized pseudo-holiday that reinforces heterosexist-monogamist values and encourages consumerism in lieu of genuine affection! The reason we're celebrating is because it's a good excuse to clear out our ever-busy social schedules, have a nice dinner we wouldn't usually splurge on, give and receive a nice backrub, and spend an arbitrary day just focusing on each other. It doesn't matter if it's Feb 14, April 23, or August 4. It's a milestone. We've made it this far and we're still going strong.

I guess the question that goes unsaid is, What if this is the last one? My primary sweetie became seriously ill last year. Ever since then, our priorities have been slowly realigning. Every day is an opportunity to savor. To slow down, to recognize and appreciate the simple joys of life and our ability to interact with each other. We don't know how long this will last, so it's important to make every day special.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I look forward to Valentines' Day. Even if we don't get reservations at some hot restaurant, we'll cook a special dinner. Whatever happens, we're in this together.

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7:02 pm - Valentines day

Wednesday is Valentines Day. I'm not playing. I'll tell you why. I may sound cynical at first. Bear with me.

I have more than one love. I am poly. I also have more than one intimate friend aside from those loves because I am poly. Here's the rub. Some I call loves because we see each other that way and some I don't because we don't feel the word is either appropriate yet, if ever. The labels, the expectations, the baggage that comes with the L word aren't really necessary to express a relationship. I don't need to say "I love you" for them to know I do. That is expressed through my actions, though my attention, caring, closeness, not words. Words are the wrapping and bows on the gift of our affection. While they are nice, they cannot make our actions what they are not. A crappy present (actions) all dressed up in pretty bows and paper is still a crappy present. You can't make up for 364 days of inaction, not keeping commitments, not being focused, not being *involved*, with a triple heart diamond ring from the Shane company. There are news stories for weeks about the perfect gift, which chocolate is better, why gold is better than silver, which flowers are best, etc.

And a 'holiday' built around Love feeds on those expectations. In our monogamous society, where Love is everything, Love rules our expectations, Love is misunderstood, Love is misused, Love is a hammer to some, Valentines Day points out the inherent problems with speech (I'm talking shallow actions as speech too) *as* Love.

There is such a big commercial (see this?) deal made of Valentines day. There are Valentines days sales at jewelers, florists, *car dealerships*, everywhere. We are supposed to buy to express our Love, as some sign, some validation of our relationship. One year I did that for three of my partners and after it was complete I recognized the trap. You see, if you have one love, you buy them their gift. Since you are giving to no other this gift, as you are not supposed to with your heart, no comparison can be made in either. You are supposed to have one valentine one love. If you have more than one, you buy separate gifts if you follow the monogamy model of the 'holiday'. As I was shopping (which is not my thing), in the almost Christmas crowds, I realized that these gifts, however appropriate, were not my love. So, what the hell was I doing? Why was I playing the "prove that I love you and don't love another by giving you a special gift" monogamy game?

Two years have passed since that day. My relationships have changed somewhat, with some leaving and others arriving. A few have stayed steady but, this isn't something that can be measured, certainly not against one another, hopefully not by any of my loves either.

So I'm left standing here, watching the monogamy game play itself out, with people rushing about for their various reasons. Some of them are simply using this special day to acknowledge their love, others are using it to validate their relationship, or make up for neglecting their partner, or assure them that they aren't cheating. Yes, it occurs to me. How many people are giving a partner a gift that promises monogamy and are currently cheating on their partner. But I digress..

My relationships are what they are. A single date in February, a charge on a credit card, pretty wrappings around a bauble, do not those relationships make. They are made though my actions, expressed in my attention, my caring, my mentorship, sacrifice, dedication throughout the year; yes, even on that day *too*. This is not a Hallmark moment.

This is my life.

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Monday, December 18th, 2006
10:18 am - Florida Poly Retreat 2007 - Pre-reg Discounts End Soon

Pre-registration Discounts for the Florida Poly Retreat 2007 will be ending on December 31, 2006 - book now to save money! This fantastic event is back again for another year, and we hope that you'll come join us for all the fun.

Florida Poly Retreat 2007
March 15 - 18, 2007
Brooksville, FL - UU in the Pines (1 hr north of Tampa)

Details of the retreat withinCollapse )

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Monday, November 20th, 2006
4:23 pm - It’s Over. Just Not Gonna Happen. Not Like This.

Ever since I realized, really understood, that I was poly, that my heart was open enough to take in the entire world if desired, I’ve had this fantasy. It’s been a crystal clear, bright, intense fantasy. It’s always been in the back of my mind and it has influenced, in very positive ways, how I have interacted with the people in my life.

Here is what I see when I dream of my loves and family.

There’s some property. I am but one of the owners. I live there. So do my loves and friends. Their loves and friends live there too. Some people share a Great House, with others living in little cottages and outbuildings scattered about. Sometimes people go out to eat, sometimes they eat alone in their cottages, but there is always a gathering of sorts around the diner table. There is always a great cook, happy to provide, feeling fulfilled making this many people happy. There are always happy children, squawking about their day. There are those that set up, or clean up, happy to be free of the responsibility of creating the meal. There are people, eating together, joining together, because they want to.

While people do have personal belongings and personal spaces, there is an air of sharing and support. There is but one ¾ ton pickup truck, one 28foot ladder, one wood chipper, one tractor, and one large well-stocked workshop, one of many things that a family needs – you get the idea.

There are children, some of them are mine and some are not. Some are grown and some are not. All the children are children of the great family, if not in legal terms, but in familial terms. There are grandparents to maybe great grandkids. Any child can go to any adult about anything. We are Family.

There are family gatherings and traditions with roots reaching deep into the bedrock of the lives of those involved in this Chosen Family. Thanksgiving takes on a whole new meaning and size, with days long festivities, and people returning home from across the globe. Hanukah is celebrated, along with Christmas and Yule and…it’s an insane and happy time of the year.

No one is ever alone unless by choice. No one is ever without love and assistance, except by choice. No one is ever unsupported, unless they ask to do something alone.

I have been described, more than once, by more than one, as a patriarch of a family, who gathers loved ones around a core to celebrate and support each other in a chosen and rather extended family. I don’t know if that description fits. When I hear the word I envision some old rich guy, gray of hair, slightly fat of physique, holding court on some daytime soap opera. It also speaks to me of some kind of “top dog” where I am number one, where others bow to my superior status or respect me more than others. I don’t like that image either.

However, maybe in bits and pieces, it’s not that far off in some ways, so I don’t reject it entirely. Maybe I’m here to be bedrock of sorts, building a family of sorts, a place where people can feel welcome, loved, and respected, regardless of any artificial status they may feel or that others attempt to impose upon them.

Hence my fantasy as described above.

It’s not going to happen, though.

Upon first glance, this may seem like a defeat, a failure, or something to grasp desperately, or attempt to force the universe to create. It may seem like focusing on the goal of that dream would be key, but it would grasp at people, attempt to make them something that they cannot be (even if they wished it), and eventually drive them away. That would not only make no sense. It would be disastrous.

In the greater scheme of things, it honestly matters not that my particular dream come true in this particular form.

Here are some examples why.

My life is full of false starts, indecision, and failures on my part. I dreamed of becoming a professional photographer – my parents reneged on their promise to support me through college. I’m still a very good photographer. I wanted to be an architect – I believed the advisor when he said I’d only end up designing parking lots. I can still do innovative and good design. I wanted to be a professional pilot – I let family and money pressures convince me to quit at almost 200 hours and halfway through my Instrument Rating. While I’m not current, I could, at this moment, take off and land a Cessna 152/172 almost anywhere. I wanted to be a cop, a really good cop – I chose at the right time to leave in a situation in which I could not prevail. I’m still educated as a cop – still have the skills, still have the knowledge. For every non-starter there have been useful lessons.

While it is easy for people to blurt out platitudes like “you can be anything you want,” or, ”simply visualize and it will come true,” they ignore that there are things outside our control, and that we cannot create reality out of whole cloth. While I do live my life purposefully, that doesn’t mean one does so while blindfolded. It makes sense to reach or dreams, but it’s much less painful to reach for what is actually attainable, that which cannot be forced, that which makes sense to pursue.

My dream, as much as it makes me smile, as much as it fills me with love, can also be a trap. Each piece of my dream can be a brick, which I could mortar into a prison of my own making; the bars becoming unhappiness, the walls oppressiveness, and the floor a foundation of resentment and sorrow. If I were single-minded enough to focus on what I don’t have, instead of what I can create, here and now, in my life today, I’d simply create a miserable reality.

I can’t have my dream and that is OK. It’s not OK in a way where I am denied my wishes. It’s not OK because others tell me that is how things must be. It’s OK like being OK with living, having to eat, needing water, needing love, and having an end to life.

It’s OK because it is.

It just is.

Instead, I create and foster a reality where I can encourage others to love, even if they doubt they can, or that I am actually free of fear that they love another. I can create a reality where it is clear I want someone in my life, that I want them happy, but if their happiness does not include me, then they should leave, with my blessing. Until then, as long as the relationship I have with a person is good for the both of us, I’d very much like it to continue until the end of my days, regardless of where they live, where they sleep, who helps raise their children and who they love.

Until the end of my days.

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